The Tale of the Forbidden Longing
by scarlettswan
Summary: I knew that she was off-limits. Being with her would go against the rules of brotherhood, of everything I’d known that was good in this world. But when she smiled at me like she did, when she danced with me, or laughed with me, that no longer mattered.
1. Chapter 1

**The Tale of the Forbidden Longing **

I knew that she was off-limits. Being with her would go against the rules of brotherhood, of everything I'd known that was good in this world. But when she smiled at me like she did, when she danced with me, or laughed with me, that no longer mattered. She haunted me in my sleep and often in the daytime too. I was cursed to love someone I could never actually love. But the worst part – I could tell she loved me too, if not as much as him, at least a little. I could tell when she looked at me longingly, like she wanted everything I did and then looked away guiltily.

Lily Evans was beautiful and strong and intelligent. She was my greatest fantasy never come true. And James Potter was my best friend, my brother if I had anything to say about it.

The two had seemed so right for each other. They still did to everyone but me. I had loved Lily from afar for so long that I was surprised when, only a year ago, James had first kissed her. I'd heard about that kiss for hours – apparently it was great – and it had killed me inside. But what could I do? When my best friend was so happy, how could I take that away from him? He deserved much more happiness than I; he was a much better person. And he was my best friend, so I wished him better than myself. But sometimes my selfish side came out, especially in my dreams. My often dirty dreams about this girl he adored.

I laid my head in my hands, sighing.

"Sirius, my man!" James came barreling into the room, flinging his books onto the table. I laughed because he probably wouldn't pick them back up until next class. We were known for our laziness. It was one of our less amiable qualities.

"What's up, Potter?" I asked as he pulled out two tickets from his pocket. I studied them, trying to figure out what they were.

"Ice Kills tickets." He smiled broadly.

"The band? I didn't think you were into them." I shuffled through some letters I had received from my mum. Nothing but disappointment written on those pages.

"I'm not," he kept smiling, like some stupid idiot. "Lily is though, something about how they're hot. But anyway she loves them, and I'm taking her tonight!"

"How the bloody hell are you going to pull that off? You know we're not aloud to go outside of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade." I sighed, wondering how I'd be roped into this.

"That's where you come in," I looked at him skeptically. I knew it. "I need your help to cover for us when we're gone."

"Okay, so question," I leaned forward.

"Shoot."

"Why are you willing to risk expulsion to go to a concert you're not even going to listen to?"

"Because mate," he sounded excited, although I didn't know why, "Lily's been talking about taking the next step and we've been going out for a year."

"Oh," I said nonchalantly, although I was really in agony over the thought, "Well you'd do anything to get laid I guess."

"By Lily, of course. Who wouldn't?" I nodded; it was true. She was one of the most beautiful girls in the school. Many had noticed her.

"Alright, fine, what do you need me to do?"

"Well, I was thinking Lupin could help too, but I don't know if he'll be up to it, after the last time…" a sly smile lit his face and mine at the memory of Moony standing in the moonlight in only his underwear, his girlfriend Kate thought it was pretty funny too. He, however, didn't so I would guess that he wouldn't want to help again in the near future.

"Anyway, we would need you to stand guard in the common room in case Dumbledore goes on another night check up. And we'd also need you to meet us back after the concert so we could get in."

I shook my head but said yes anyway. He thanked me and ran up to the girls' dormitory, knocking lightly. I ran up to our room and lay down on my bed, mentally exhausted.

"Come on man!" Someone shook me awake. I looked up to see Potter standing annoyingly above me. "It's time for us to leave."

"Alright fine," I groaned as he pulled me from my bed and down the stairs.

"Asleep, Black?" Lily asked from one of the chairs by the fire. She smiled sexily and I nodded, falling into the chair next to her, pretending not to notice her unbelievably short and tight dress.

"Let's go, Lil," James waved her towards the swinging portrait and winked at me on the way out. I groaned, trying not to think about her body and his together tonight. I swore that she was going to kill me someday.

Two hours later, I fell into my bed after hearing ten minutes of James and Lily's fighting. I felt bad that they were angry with each other, but I also felt relieved that it wasn't tonight. For some reason it couldn't be tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - Lily**

The day after the concert, James and I had reconciled. Surprise, surprise! We always made up quickly after having a fight. It was like we couldn't stand to be apart, so whoever it was that was in the wrong admitted their mistakes. Last night, it was James' fault. So I gladly forgave him and apologized when he gave me a rose as we walked to breakfast.

"Looks like you two are officially love birds again." Sirius said when we sat down – James next to Remus, me next to Sirius. I thought I maybe saw a shadow of disappointment in his eyes. I pushed away that thought though, hoping it wasn't true.

Over the past year, something had been going on between Sirius and me. I didn't know what it was exactly, but when we looked at each other or touched, it was like we were supposed to be together. But it was a dark desire, more like attraction or need, not love. I didn't know what to make of it, but I knew it was hard on us both. I also knew it would be awful if we acted on it; we both loved James too much.

"Yes we are," James said happily, I smiled. We all dug into our food, James and Sirius discussing quittage while I sat across the table from Kate who was talking about makeup or something. I played with my food, not exactly hungry. James wrapped his arm around my waist and I noticed that Sirius shifted uncomfortably away. I felt like I should talk to Sirius about it; we couldn't go on like this. We used to all be friends and very comfortable around each other, but now it was different. Not that James or Remus ever noticed; they weren't very observant.

"Get to class," Professor Quigley said, coming by our table a few minutes later. I looked around; there wasn't anyone else in the room besides us. I watched as this dawned on the others. They started laughing and we ran off to our classes.

Professor Watson glared at Sirius and me when we walked into potions late. We took our usual seat at the back of the classroom and opened our books.

He was droning on about some potion that could transform a person into a bear or something when Sirius passed me a note. I sucked in a gulp of air when our fingertips touched, he stiffened.

"How was Ice Kills?" he'd wrote. We hardly ever actually listened to the teacher, instead would talk about whatever was on our minds.

"Good," I wrote back, my loopy handwriting odd next to his scribble-y one.

"And how was Potter? I hope he's treating you well." I could feel the meaning behind his words.

"Of course, he is a Gryffindor." He smirked at that.

"Well you tell me if I need to hit him." He was joking of course – or at least I thought he was.

"You'll be the first to know." I smiled at him and he smiled back, taking my hand in his. The touch sent shivers down my spine. It's not like we didn't often times hold hands, or dance, or hug, but it was always a shock to me. It was always painful, but I couldn't ever pull away, not when he looked at me like that.

The professor dismissed the class an hour later and Sirius and I walked out.

"Sirius," I started, my face serious. He caught on to my mood change and frowned. "I need to talk to you … alone." He was still frowning.

"Okay," He seemed wary, like he knew what was coming.

"I don't think we should be friends," I said when we found a bench outside of the school. It was secret, underneath a large weeping willow. Not the womping willow of course, but it shaded us in a way that made it hard for anyone else to see.

His face betrayed no emotion, but I knew he was feeling what I was – a loss.

"Why in the world would you say that, Lily? We've always been friends." He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated.

"But haven't you noticed it?" I frowned, I didn't want it either.

"Noticed what?" He knew what I was talking about, of course.

"Sirius." I demanded. He raised his eyebrows, a smile in his eyes. I glared at him, annoyed. "You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I'm not sure I do," He smiled slyly; I hit him across the arm.

"You do too!" I insisted, he shook his head and I pushed him off the bench. But before he was all the way off, he pulled me down with him, rolling me over in the grass so that I wasn't hurt. We laughed and he ruffled my hair.

"Sirius," I whispered.

"Lily," he touched the side of my face with his fingers, desire in his eyes. My breathing trembled, as did my body.

"We can't."

"I know," he sighed and kissed my forehead before he jumped up, pulling me with him.

"So where does that leave us?" I asked a minute later.

"I don't know, Lily," he muttered, "But you know we have to stay friends. You're a big part of me, even if it's not the way I wish it was. I still need you to be my friend."

I nodded slightly, "I suppose you're right."

"I usually am." He laughed, linking his arm through mine as we walked back to the building.

**A/N: Okay so it's really weird because I'm writing two stories right now which I don't usually do. But I'm more passionate about this one, so I hope that reflects in my writing! Tell me what you think! :]**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Sirius **

I sighed, walking away from Lily after I'd dropped her off at the Gryffindor common room. I hadn't really felt like going in, so instead I was wondering aimlessly around the campus.

I sat down in the cool grass heavily while I tried to push the memory of Lily in my arms out of my head. She'd felt so good, so right. While my head was busy warring with my heart, I heard someone come up from behind me.

"Hey Padfoot," Lupin said from beside me.

"Hey," I smiled, I was glad to have a distraction from my thoughts.

"So you and Lily, huh?" He said sadly. I silently cursed him for reminding me. I'd hoped he would want to talk about Quittage or Kate even, but no.

"What do you mean?" I played dumb, but after so long being friends, he saw right through it.

"I mean the way you look at her, and her at you. The way you were rolling around in the grass earlier, very close. Man, what are you thinking?" He wasn't busting my butt, it didn't seem like, and so I answered him honestly.

"I can't help it, Moony," The desperation in my voice made him understand, nodding his head slowly.

"It's not my place to say anything," he started, "But I have to."

I tensed, waiting for it.

"You need to decide what's more important to you. You can't have Lily if you're still friends with James. He's in too deep," He sighed, "Kind of like you."

"I know," And I did, but when Lily was around I stopped caring. I could feel my heart slowly ripping in half. Two parts of me were fighting for center stage and I didn't know what to do about it.

"Alright," he hesitated, "I'll let you deal with it, but don't drag either one along, if you're just going to hurt them in the end."

"Oh you know me, Lupin," I frowned, "The masochist. Don't worry; it'll be me that's hurt – in the end." And somehow I knew it was true.

"I don't want that either, man." He hit me on the back once before darting off into a classroom, obviously late.

"Did you hear about the party tonight?" Potter said falling on the couch I was currently sitting on.

"Nope," I said, looking over my transfiguration homework. I sighed; I didn't need to be taught, it wasn't like I wasn't the one of the four best transfigurers in the school.

"Well you should go, it's at The Three Broomsticks." He looked at my papers, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, sure," I replied. It would be good to have some fun, and that was guaranteed at any gathering where the marauders were present.

"Alright! It's going to be awesome."

"I sure hope so."

The party was crazy when we got there. People were dancing, some were just running around and someone had sneaked some firewhiskey into the place. That probably explained the craziness.

Of course I couldn't focus on all the crazy teenagers. No, instead I was focusing on how beautiful Lily looked tonight. Her hair was pinned up, which I usually didn't like, but curls fell down in front of her face and she looked as great as ever. She was wearing a short skirt and tight tank top. I silently cursed her for that. Of course her arm draped around Potter sort of ruined the picture for me.

"Want to dance, Sirius?" Amanda asked from beside me. I'd asked her out because she was beautiful. Although I knew that neither of us cared for the other in any way except to have fun.

"Sure thing." I saw Lily's eyes flash angrily as we walked onto the dance floor. How could she think I wasn't going to have fun tonight just because I loved her?

We danced a few songs before going over to where James and Lily were sitting drinking firewhiskey. I grabbed two cups and gave one to Amanda. She flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder, Lily frowned. I didn't understand why she was so jealous; there was no competition for my affections. They had always been Lily's.

A slow song came on and James pulled Lily on to the floor. Amanda smiled at me, tilting her head to the dancing couples. I rolled my eyes and pulled her up along with me, to the center of the floor right next to where Potter and Evans were.

Amanda and James were back-to-back, allowing perfect eye contact between Lily and I. I sighed and looked into her big, brown eyes. Her lips pulled into a grin and our gaze intensified. She was beautiful, it made my heart ache. There was a sadness in her eyes too, but that did nothing to deter her beauty, her sexiness.

The night droned on, not as fun as I'd hoped it would be, but the alcohol served to lessen the pain. I felt myself relax by the end of the night.

"Sirius," James sat down next to me after dancing with Lily for an hour. She walked off the other way, probably to the bathroom.

"Seems you've been having fun." I smiled at my friend, trying to push the desire for his girlfriend out of my mind.

"Yes," he smiled broadly, "Probably too much fun actually."

"Impossible."

"Yeah, you're right." He chuckled. "So I need to ask you a favor."

"Okay," I looked up at him, this probably wouldn't be good.

"I need you to walk Lily home." Of course. I sighed; I couldn't risk being alone with her again.

"Why?"

"Because I have to go, like now." He kept looking worriedly to the door.

"Why?"

"Well I sort of got into trouble earlier and Dumbledore's here to bust me." He got up, heading towards the door without waiting to hear my answer.

"Where'd James go?" Lily asked, looking in the direction Potter just ran.

"He's in some sort of trouble with the Headmaster." I grinned; we were always getting into trouble.

"Oh," she smiled too, "Well I hope he doesn't get in too much trouble."

"Nah, he's smart. He wouldn't do anything that would risk expulsion."

"That's true," she agreed.

"He asked me to take you home." I stated.

"Oh," she said, apprehension creeping into her features. I felt it too. I wanted so bad to be able to resist her – and I knew she felt the same way – but it was impossible for me. It was like she was the only girl I could ever be with. But at the same time she was the only girl I couldn't be with.

"Well I'm sort of tired now." She said, standing slowly. I jumped up with her. "Are you going to walk your friend home too?" She frowned. I looked around, but Amanda had left with some guy two hours ago.

"Nope." I commented taking her hand.

"How chivalrous of you." She said sarcastically.

"Well the other guy she left with seemed to have it covered."

"Oh," She blushed, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's fine, she was pretty shallow."

We walked along in silence for awhile. Lily leaned into my side and I tensed. The firewhiskey was mixing with my thoughts, hazing them so that I couldn't think of Potter. I could only think of Lily and the way her flushed face was smiling up at me.

I was trying so hard to concentrate on my best friend that I didn't expect it when Lily pulled me into a broom closet.

I gasped as she pulled me to her, kissing me with all the pent up emotions we'd been experiencing over the last couple of years. It was a fierce kiss, not at all like I'd imagined Lily was capable of. But no, she was passionate. I groaned into her mouth as my hands found the small of her back.

I couldn't say no, I was incapable of resisting her.

**A/N: Just in case you guys wondered, Lily's not a slut or anything. She's just confused and in love with two guys. Okay I thought that might need clearing up, but you should tell me if you like it! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Lily**

His hands ran down my sides slowly, his tongue danced with mine. I didn't really know why I did it – pulled him into a closet. It wasn't like me, but he was so damn sexy, it was hard to resist him. He kissed down my throat; hot open-mouthed kisses that made my head swim. I found the bottom of his shirt and I helped him pull it over his head, hating that we had to break apart for even a second. However, I had a new opinion of Quittage after I saw his chiseled chest. I ran my hands up and down his chest, loving the feel of his muscles beneath my fingertips. He groaned.

"Are you sure, Lily?" He managed to gasp huskily. I nodded, not really thinking about anything but how I felt right now. He started to unbutton my shirt, his fingers poking through the holes as he worked his way down. His lips followed; I groaned.

I leaned against one of the shelves in the closet, unable to stand any longer. He pulled off my skirt in one swift motion and stood up to kiss me again. I reached for the button of his jeans and felt his arousal at my palm. I pressed it firmly and he moaned sexily, steadying himself by placing his hands on my shoulders. I pulled off his jeans and he smiled as he reached around to unclasp my bra. He looked me over and I blushed deeply, his eyes turned the darkest black.

"Shit," He said as we were getting dressed again. I looked up at him; agony was still in his eyes. I wondered if it would ever really go away.

"I'm sorry, Sirius."

"It's not your fault," he said angrily. "It's mine; I shouldn't have betrayed his trust like that. God," he turned away, clenching his fists. "I can't believe I would do that. I-" He broke off at my expression.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered. I felt just as bad but I didn't know what to do. I loved them both! How could I deny myself either of them? I suddenly hated myself.

"Lily stop!" he cried, coming over to me, hugging my head to his chest. He rubbed circles soothingly on my back, as tears fell down my face. I looked up and wondered if he was crying too, although that didn't seem like Sirius.

"Sirius," I pleaded, for what I didn't know. I guess I needed to hate one of them. Either one it didn't matter, if I hated one of them, then I could truly love and give myself to the other. "Sirius."

"Shh," he murmured. "This was all we could ever have okay?" He said, his voice breaking. I didn't say anything.

"Lily," he begged, "You have to agree that this is all we can ever have. You have to because otherwise I'll die out of the pain because I can't hurt you and James both."

"Don't say his name," I cried, tears flowing even faster. I felt sick, "I can't think about that."

"About what Lily?" He shouted, pulling away from me, "The fact that we've both betrayed someone we love? Betrayed Lily, I betrayed him." He sounded like a little kid just then, one that lost his parents and friends, his hope. He sounded so vulnerable; I hadn't ever imagined that he could be. It only made me love him more. I groaned and turned away, pulling my skirt over my hips. He pulled his shirt over his head and walked out of the closet, I followed not wanting to be completely alone.

We got back to the common room a few minutes later. James was still gone so Sirius and I went our separate ways.

The pain only got worse through the night. I couldn't sleep, all I could see was James' hurt face and Sirius' too.

I knew it was my fault, no matter what Sirius said. I was the one who had pulled him into the closet when my need for him grew to an unbelievable amount.

I climbed out of bed, unable to sleep, and walked down to the common room. I didn't notice anyone sitting there until I nearly sat on top of them.

"Lily?" James asked, worried by my appearance. I broke out into tears at the sight of him. "Lily, what's wrong." He held me, even though I didn't deserve that, and he stroked the hair out of my face.

"James, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I whimpered, tears blurring my vision so I didn't see Sirius come down the stairs.

"What the hell are you talking about, Lily? What are you sorry for? You haven't done anything wrong."

"Potter," Sirius said, emotionless, from somewhere behind us. "Did you get in much trouble?"

"No, Dumbledore just gave me one of those all-knowing smiles. Thank goodness, I was freaked. It was about the concert, you know."

Sirius nodded, taking in my curled up position and tear-stained face. Pain flashed in his eyes, whether it was from my pain or James' arms around me I didn't know.

We sat there for what seemed like a long time, just staring at each other. I didn't know what to do but I felt awful. Either way, I won. Either way I got to have one great man to love. But one of them would lose, and suffer through a lot of pain. I suddenly wished I could split off into two different people, one person being the fiery woman who loved Sirius, the other being the kind woman who loved James.

"What is it, Lily?" James said softly after a long while.

"Nothing," by now, my tears had calmed down enough that I could see everything. However, the pain hadn't subsided, not even a little. I think I must've been running out of water or something.

"Lily, everything will be okay." Sirius comforted, although I could tell he didn't believe it. His face fell when James' eyes lit up and he nodded.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – Sirius **

The next day I still couldn't get Lily out of my head. They way she'd moaned my name the night before, the way she was so beautiful beneath me. I groaned half-way through breakfast when I thought about how I not only had sex with her, but I took her virginity away. God, I could kill myself.

"You okay man?" Lupin said seriously, knowingly. I looked around and everybody was looking at me – except Lily – they must've heard my groan.

"Yeah, great just a headache." I mumbled digging into my oatmeal. It looked gross and tasted worse, but all I could taste was the guilt. It was making my head spin, my stomach too.

I suddenly got up from the table and walked out the doors, unable to stay there so close to where Lily and James were holding hands. Jealousy, guilt, and desire flowed through me. But most of all it was the deepest agony I'd ever known.

Suddenly Dumbledore and a flurry of other teachers ran past us, heading toward the main entrance to the school. Pointing their wands at the door, they whispered under their breaths. The door locks leaped to life and spun, winding themselves around to ensure no one could enter Hogwarts. I was stunned; why in the world would they be locking up the school?

"Professor?" I said as they passed me again. I had hoped to ask them what was going on, but they were too focused to see me. They walked into the main hall and announced that everyone must go back to their dormitories and stay there until further notice. I quickly walked towards them, but the flurry of students running out into the hallway stopped me. I was pushed into submission by some fourth-year who was incredibly large for his age. Thankfully, he was a Gryffindor and we were going in the right direction.

"Blimey, Sirius, you scared the hell out of me. You off and vanished and then the bloody headmaster comes in, yelling about something out there that's going to get us. I bloody thought you'd be dead." James ran into the room and hugged me where I sat on the biggest couch. Remus, Kate, and Lily joined us. No, not dead, I thought, but I should be. Lily ended up sitting by me, as it was – unfortunately and fortunately – the only spot available. I hated that I still yearned for her, still wanted to touch her and kiss her. Even after all this guilt, I still loved her. I doubted that she felt the same way.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to give you a scare." I said honestly, it was one of the first honest things I'd said to him in a while.

"No problem, mate," he smiled, "I'm just glad you're alright."

"Yeah I'm great." His frown suggested he caught the sarcasm in my voice, but he didn't question it thankfully.

"Listen up!" Dumbledore said from the portrait, we all turned to look at him. "You'll all have to sleep down here tonight." Everyone groaned. "I'm sorry but it's much easier to keep watch of you all if you're all in one place." With a flick of his wand, there were sleeping bags at everyone's feet. I sighed and crawled into mine, ready for sleep.

There wasn't, however, much room to move around. So Lily and I were forced to sleep next to each other. I looked over to Potter, but he was already dozing off. He didn't seem mad at all; his trust astounded me, especially when it was so undeserving.

"Sorry," Lily whispered as she accidently hit me in the arm with her hand. I sighed; how in the world was I supposed to sleep now?

The next morning I awoke after a very comfortable nights sleep, surprisingly. I looked around and realized it must be early because no one else was up and the sun hadn't risen all the way yet. I tried to stretch, but then realized that Lily was curled into my side, and one of my arms was around her, while the other was serving as her pillow. I tired to pull myself free, in case Potter was to wake up and see us like this, but she only hugged me tighter. I gently shook her, trying to force her awake and out of my arms, even though I wanted her there.

She slowly opened her eyes and smiled innocently. It was as if she was still dreaming and hadn't woken up, hadn't yet realized that she was in the real world again and that that meant she needed to get the hell out of my arms.

"Lily," I whispered as quietly as I could, "You need to move." Realization started to settle into her features and she blushed backing away, and unmistakable sadness in her eyes. I rolled over to the other side only to come face-to-face with a very awake James.

"Hey," I whispered sheepishly. I heard Lily gasp slightly behind me.

"What the hell?" He whispered fiercely, his anger showing. His pain was evident too.

"I guess I was just cold during the night?" I asked looking away from his horror-stricken face. He must've figured it out.

"That's what she was saying sorry about?" He asked, his voice rising. It woke up a few people lying near us, including Lupin who was looking at us sadly.

"Yes," I said ashamed.

"You bloody, fucking slept with her?" He cried, tears filling in his eyes. I wanted to reach out to him. To say 'just kidding, mate; I'd never do that to you.' But I had. And that nearly killed me.

"You were supposed to be my best friend!" More people were waking up now and I could hear Lily crying behind me. "I fucking trusted you!"

"I know," I whispered sadly, my heart was crying – if that was possible I didn't know.

"We were supposed to be there for each other, the marauders, we were going to join the order. You were supposed to be my best mate. My brother …" His words drifted off and he stood up, going to the boy's dorm, his shoulders slumped over. His usually high spirit deflated. I had an anger and hate for myself in that moment, that I'd never known possible.

"Sirius," Lily whispered from beside me, trying not to wake anybody else. Most had already rolled over and gone to sleep again. "Sirius, how could we?" She said it low enough so that no one could hear, but it sounded like the loudest thing I'd ever heard.

"I don't know."

**A/N: Review, people! I'd love to know if you like it so far!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 – Lily **

"We are in the midst of a war!" Dumbledore announced about an hour after James had stalked off into his room. I was curled up in a ball on the floor, arms wrapped around my legs. I was so lonely; I had no one to talk to. Sirius was avoiding me – probably for the best, and talking to Remus. It made me think about how dependent I had gotten on their friendship. I didn't really have any other friends.

We all looked to the headmaster fearfully. We were seventh-years yes, but we were still so young it seemed.

"The seventh-years will come with me," he motioned for us all to get up and we did. "And the rest of you will stay here.

"Follow quickly," he commanded, harsher than his usually very kind self. He must be under a great deal of stress. "Okay so, as the oldest in the school, you will fight along with the teachers if need be. Of course if you have no desire to that is perfectly fine and you can either go home or back to the common rooms. If you've decided to fight, follow me. If not, go wherever you're supposed to be." He sighed and I noticed that quite a few people turned around and left. I was aggravated by the lack of courage among the most courageous house in Hogwarts. I looked behind me to see all four marauders, Kate, Longbottom, and a few others. I wondered what would happen if one of us was lost. How would we react?

James walked quickly by my side, frowning. "Lily I have something to say…"

"I'm so sorry!" I got out before he could say anything, "I'm awful, I'm so so sorry."

"Wait I need to tell you this in case…" He drifted off, looking down. I could only imagine what that if was. If you died, Lily. "I, I forgive you." He mumbled and I could tell he meant it, but it was hurting him. "And … I still love you." A tear fell down my cheek.

"I don't deserve that," I smiled sadly.

"No, you don't, but I can't help but love you."

"I love you too." I said honestly.

"Are you sure about that?" The pain in his eyes was almost too much.

I nodded fervently, trying to convince him. I took his hand in mine and he grasped tightly to it, like it was his life-line. It was mine too, I tried to block out what I'd just seen from Sirius' face in my peripheral vision.

"You will stay with a few of us here," Dumbledore gestured to the dining hall where more sleeping bags were. A few of the teachers were there – the rest were no doubt with the other students. I looked around to the other house students. There were only a small number of us, probably about forty including the teachers. I was shocked to say the least.

"Come on," James said, leading us away from where Sirius and Lupin sat on a table by the door. I looked over to Sirius and he frowned, I hoped my apology was evident in his eyes. I think he'd secretly wished that I would choose him, even if it meant hurting James more. But I couldn't hurt our friend anymore. I loved him too, just as much as I loved Sirius. I hated this; either way I went, someone would hurt. I was wrong before, when I'd said that I was the lucky one. That wasn't true; we were all equally screwed – except maybe James – because a part of me ached when they were hurting. Like right now, with Sirius in agony, so was I.

Two days passed before any news about Voldemort's encroaching army. During that time we were taught more defensive spells, and I was happy to admit that we gained a few more students. Sirius and I hadn't talked since that night and it was killing me on the inside. It felt like a third of me was gone. I still ached for him, too. That was the worst part. I still wanted him. I would catch him staring at me and my legs would go weak, I would feel the softness of his hand because of an accidental brush of our skin and it would tingle. I even dreamed about the night we were together. I remembered it and found, when I woke up, that I wanted to fall asleep and dream again. I hated it because when James looked at me, I saw forgiveness and a kindness I sorely lacked. But when I looked at Sirius my heart raced. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to James. I was just very very attracted to his best friend.

On the second day of our camp-out in the dining hall, Dumbledore came to us and told us to prepare ourselves. He seemed to hesitate, like he was thinking of sending us all away to a safer place so that we wouldn't be hurt, but then he looked away, telling us to get out our wands.

James and Sirius made up enough to stand side-by-side in the fight. Me on one side of James, Sirius on the other, Remus on my other side, Peter was somewhere behind us. We stood there, the four marauders and me, bravely. And it felt right, all of us together, fighting off the dark wizard. But it wasn't completely right, because James and Sirius were no longer friends. I hated that that was my fault. Maybe, I hoped, maybe someday they could overlook this.

Suddenly the school went dark. I clung tightly to James' hand as he pulled me closer to him out of protectiveness. The air started swirling black. Death Eaters surrounded us one by one and there had to have been at least thirty of them. And then Voldemort fell from the sky, landing on his feet gracefully.

I immediately recoiled at the sight of him, his red eyes and albino skin. He was painful to look at. James tensed at my side. And at my other, I could feel Remus start to shake out of anger. We all had our wands drawn. The teachers stepped in front of us, with Dumbledore facing Voldemort.

And suddenly there was flashing everywhere. Spurts of light shot out of our wands and theirs. I shot a few hexes at a nearby Death Eater before James stood in front of me, holding me behind him like I was a child. I tried to push against him, but he wouldn't let go. Curse Quittage for giving him the muscles to hold me back so easily! But he didn't anticipate that someone would shoot at me from the back neither did I until I was falling backwards. I cried out once from the pain before everything went black.

**A/N: Okay so I know this chapter got very AU. But don't worry Lily doesn't die or anything (I hope that didn't spoil it for you). So review to tell me if you like!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – Sirius**

She didn't wake for days. She just lay there, on James' bed. We'd come to his house almost immediately after the fight. A few of the Death Eaters were killed, but Voldemort made his getaway quickly after Lily had fallen. When she'd cried out and fell over, James and I had rushed immediately to her side. His look of betrayal was momentarily gone by the worry that Lily was dead. Fortunately, she didn't seem to be. She was just in some sort of weird coma. It didn't make much sense, but we couldn't take her to St. Mungo's for fear of being thrown in Azkaban – the ministry didn't want us to know the kinds of curses we were fighting with.

So instead we were forced to wait, in a room with entirely too little air, for her to wake. James and I sat on opposite ends of the room, but he was no longer glaring at me all the time. I wondered if this meant that he was trying to forgive me too, in whatever way he could.

Lily stirred and we all moved towards her arms outstretched, as if we would wake her, or hold her.

"James?" she mumbled, reaching out to him. He had her in his arms in a second. Jealousy hit me square in the chest, making it hard to breath; I wished she would've called my name. Maybe then we could've been together.

"Are you okay, Lily?" He crooned, laying his cheek on hers. She nodded slightly.

"Where's Sirius?" She murmured. I saw anger flash in his eyes before he waved me over to her other side. I sat down and she took my hand. "Did anyone get hurt?" She asked, remembering the fight. I shook my head no, which wasn't entirely true; a couple of Hufflepuffs were knocked out, too. But they had survived as far as we knew.

"What now?" She asked. We'd been asking that same question recently.

"Well," James started, "We're going to join the Order of course. And we're going to live at Sirius' old house."

"Grimmauld Place," I added.

She nodded slowly.

"When should we leave?" She asked.

"As soon as possible." James and I said simultaneously.

The next day, we were moved in. James and Lily shared a room across the hall from mine, while Lupin and Pettigrew were downstairs. Every night since the move, I'd been getting awful sleep. I could just imagine what they were doing in the room across the hall and it nearly killed me.

In the morning it was bad too. I would come down for breakfast and they'd be sitting at the table, Lily's face would be flushed and Potter would look like the happiest person in the world. It made my stomach churn.

I decided, over time, that I needed some company so that I could get my mind off of them. So, I went out a lot more in effort to find very attractive and shallow women that would come to my bed at the end of the night. I was very successful too; I ended up being known by my friends as a man whore. I would shrug whenever they said that though, and pretend not to notice the pain in Lily's eyes. It made me really angry, that she thought I would wait around for her forever, when it was obvious I would never have her again. I grew to even hate her a little bit – although I knew I was probably kidding myself – and that helped with the pain. If I was mad at her, it made it more difficult to love her.

Also, over time, Potter forgave me and we returned to our old ways – if not slightly less enthusiastic as before. I think it was probably because we were just too good of friends. We were brothers.

A year after the war, Voldemort asked Potter and Evans to join the Death Eaters. They immediately said no – of course; they would rather die. But sometimes that worried us all, Voldemort was not known for his kindness and he could retaliate out of anger. So, now, we were always on our guard. We didn't know when he would strike at us, but we could feel that he would.

One night, while I was on guard duty – we'd had to do that ever since Voldemort got rejected – I decided I needed a swim. So I went into the bathroom and stripped off my clothing, diving into the pool/bathtub that was my favorite place to go as a kid. The cool water washed over me and relaxed my tensed muscles.

When I got out, probably about half an hour later, I looked up to see a very surprised and blushing Lily.

**A/N: Review please! :]**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 – Lily **

I walked into the bathroom at around one in the morning looking for my favorite sweatshirt. Truth was, I really couldn't sleep. Sirius had brought home the most beautiful looking witch he ever had before and it was twisting my heart up into a knot. She was gone now, but not before being alone with Sirius in his room for an hour. The whole time, I'd been nauseous. I think James had noticed too, I felt bad for that, but what could I do? I still loved them both so much more than I would've thought possible. I wanted and needed them both in every way and it was killing me.

So when I walked into the bathroom to see a very gorgeous, very naked Sirius getting out of the tub, my heart stopped. He looked up at me, surprised and grabbed a towel off of the side of the tub, wrapping it around his waist.

"Lily," he said throatily. I wanted to reach out and touch him. Touch all of his new tattoos and his slightly more grown body. I wanted to feel his hair, which was longer than it used to be, and his face which was slightly scruffier. I wanted to feel him, just so I could know what he felt like again. I had forgotten and that was painful to me.

I wasn't wearing much clothing either – only a tank top and underwear – and I could feel his gaze upon my body. It was burning me in the most pleasant way.

We walked towards each other, like we were magnetized, and I reached out to place my hand on his chest. I traced one of his new tattoos with my fingertips. It was a snake with a sword through its body. Air gushed out from between his lips. I touched my lips lightly to another tattoo. This one was a heart, being ripped in two. He groaned.

"Lily," he pleaded. I lay my head against his heart. I wanted to make sure it was still there, still beating even though I had ruthlessly torn it apart.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," I whispered, my breath raising goose bumps on his skin, "I'm sorry for hurting you so much." He shook his head like I hadn't hurt him at all, but I knew that wasn't true. He touched my hair lightly, like he was afraid that he'd combust if he did. I pulled away from him and walked towards the pool. My hands were trembling as I reached up and pulled my shirt over my head. He groaned again, softly, and I could tell he wanted to touch me. I could see it in his eyes. I reached out for him and he hesitantly made his way over to me, taking each step like he was afraid he would burst into flames. I felt like I would too. When he took my hand hesitantly, I pulled him up so that his chest was flush with mine. I pulled off my underwear slowly and he took off the towel. I walked back into the water, pulling him with me.

When we were standing waist high in the water, I kissed him. And suddenly he came alive. We put everything into that kiss, like it was the last time we'd ever see each other. His hands were in my hair, pulling me even closer to him, while his tongue pushed against mine, my hands found his shoulders and I pulled us down further into the water.

When he entered me I gasped and he groaned. I had forgotten exactly how good it felt to be with him.

"God, Lily," He moaned. And I knew exactly what he meant.

"Lily?" James murmured from the bed, stretching his arms above his head. I quietly shut the door behind me and sat down on the ground, my cheek against the door.

"Lily, what's wrong?" He got out of bed, coming over to me. He wore only a pair of shorts so when he reached to hug me, it felt like his skin would burn mine. It was not at all pleasant. I could almost hear the sizzle as his fingers touched my forehead gently, stroking my hair back out of my face. I felt like I would just sit here and waste away, like one day I would wake up and find him with someone else – someone better – and I would just turn into a pile of ashes. A lump formed in my throat as he held me, humming softly, trying to take away my pain. If only he knew what it was. But I couldn't tell him, not yet anyway. I didn't think I could talk at all. Part of me wanted to destroy something; take a fist to the wall or rip my hair out, and another part just wanted to sit here and have him hold me, forgiving me when I didn't deserve it.

"Lily, it's okay," He kissed the top of my head, rubbing soothing circles on my back, "Whatever it is, it'll be okay."

And I knew that he'd forgive me, eventually, even if I never did.

**A/N: Okay so I know these are getting shorter, but I keep wanting to switch point of views, so tell me what you think! **


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